Bad Memories
by Lina Faro
Summary: When the team goes out for an evening of fun, the venue stirs up some bad memories and bad company for Dr. Spencer Reid. WARNINGS: drugs
1. Chapter 1

"_Bad Memories" one-shot, maybe two-shot. Always wondered how Reid was procuring dilaudid post Hankel. I own nothing. Enjoy._

* * *

_**Possible Two-Shot "Bad Memories"**_

"You are coming, right?" Reid looked up from placing files in his messenger bag to see his unit chief Emily walking towards him with determination. She added, "to Anderson's going away party?" Anderson was leaving Quantico and moving to a field office in Arizona.

"Oh, is that tonight?" Reid responded, acting like he didn't remember. She nodded. "I wish I could but I have something else planned already, so -," Emily cut him off,

"No you don't, you're a terrible liar - I will not allow you to miss another team outing. You're coming and that's an order," she was half joking.

Reid hadn't been out with the team since he got out of prison. It was hard to get him out on the town before that anyway. Reid asked,

"Is it still at the Red Room?", Emily confirmed it was. Reid was hoping it had changed locations. The venue was the primary reason he did not want to go. "I don't know, it's kind of in a sketchy part of town and on a Saturday night it's going to be packed," he tried to rationalize his position.

"Oh yeah, you'll be in real danger with a room full of FBI agents" Emily rebutted. She paused before asking, "why don't you want to hang out with the team?"

Reid's head shot up, "It's not that I don't want to hang out with you guys, I just -" Emily cut him off again, "Great! So you're coming, I can give you a ride." Reid knew he didn't have an option at this point. It's not like he could just tell his boss that the Red Room is where he used to buy drugs and he really didn't want to revisit that part of his life again. Emily watched him carefully as he just stood there thinking. She instructed, "I'll meet you at the elevator in 5."

* * *

They pulled up to the bar which was, as Reid predicted, packed. The rest of team was already inside. JJ and Will were talking to Anderson, Matt and his wife made a brief appearance before going home to their kids, and Luke and Lisa were on the floor dancing. Reid, Emily, Garcia, Rossi, and his wife - Krystall - sat in a booth watching their friends. Reid was quiet. He looked tense. Rossi bought everyone a round in hopes to loosen up the young agent, but he hadn't touched his drink. Rossi and Emily exchanged looks, they knew there was something more going on than just Reid wanting to be home reading a book rather than at a bar with his teammates.

"Who wants another round?" Rossi offered. Hands shot up.

"Oh me, definitely" said Garcia. Emily agreed. Krystall raised her empty glass,

"Make that three, Dave". Rossi nudged Reid with his elbow,

"Alright kid, you're coming with me up to the bar to carry all of these," Reid didn't object.

Reid kept his head down as they made their way through the crowd. There was a certain someone he was really hoping he didn't run into. They reached the bar, ordered, and waited. Rossi took this time to try to figure out what was going on,

"What's got you so down, kid?" Reid didn't look at him.

"Nothing," he said, almost inaudibly given the loud music.

"Are you really going to do this with me, Spencer? Who do you think you're talking to?" the use of his first name made him look up. Just then a feminine voice called out from behind them,

"Spencer?"

Both agents turned to see where it came from. Upon seeing it's origin, Reid was frozen in his place. A woman walked up to him and gasped, "It is you! It's been so long, how are you?" Rossi was very confused to say the least. This woman who seemed to be an old friend, or maybe more, was beautiful. She had long, medium-brown hair in waves; she had striking green eyes; and was wearing a very flattering violet cocktail dress. Rossi was able to manage carrying all the drinks himself so, in Morgan-fashion, he mumbled a "go get 'em" and returned to the booth to give his coworker some space.

Rossi sat the drinks down on the table,

"Where's Reid, did you lose him?" Emily questioned, Rossi stepped to the side allowing the other teammates to get a good view at their young friend and this mystery woman at the bar.

"Our boy's a little busy right now," Rossi smirked.

Reid, however, did not share the same excitement as this woman, nor his coworkers. This was exactly who he had been trying to avoid running into. The woman went by "Amber". He just kept starring at her. She finally scoffed,

"What's wrong, Spencer? Nervous?" she leaned forward to whisper in his ear, "I might have something that could calm you down?" Reid backed up as much as he could before his back was touching the bar. He replied adamantly,

"No, no thanks, I don't need anything," Amber pouted. She reached out and gently grabbed his tie,

"Oh, come on. Don't tell me you've gone all straight and narrow on me, huh?" Spencer brushed her hand away. He was becoming less petrified and more agitated. He didn't want to be here.

"Well this isn't going like I thought it would," Rossi said as he peered over his glass. By this time, JJ, Will, Luke, and Lisa had made it over to the group's table and were intently watching the exchange. Luke chimed in,

"He doesn't look too happy to see her - maybe she's an ex?" this idea made Garcia perk up,

"Oh, this is juicy - did anyone know he had a girlfriend?" JJ responded,

"I didn't think so, not since Maeve anyway."

"I'll tell you what," Amber charmed, starting to open her clutch, "a welcome back gift, on the house" she pulled a tiny clear bag containing two white tablets out of her bag.

Garcia was on the edge of her seat,

"Omg, what's she giving him? Her phone number? I can't see?" Emily was sitting only a little bit closer and could make out the object being dangled in front of Reid's panic-stricken face,

"Oh no" she said under her breath as she got up to make her way towards her friend.

Reid let out a breathy laugh as he decided that was enough and squirmed his way past her and headed towards the door. Amber called after him,

"Boo, Spency - you're no fun!"

* * *

Reid made it out onto the sidewalk and started walking. It was cold and yet he was sweating. He had his hands shoved into his pocket but took one of them out to rub his eye and brush his hair up off of his forehead. He didn't hear the quickening sound of heeled footsteps approaching. Emily had followed after him,

"Reid!" she called out. He kept walking. She caught up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Reid brushed her hand away and continued on.

"Don't touch me," he said - not angrily - but sternly nonetheless. Emily recoiled,

"Sorry," she took a second to analyze him. She was figuring out the best way to proceed, "your friend back there, who was she?"

"She's not my friend," he huffed. Emily decided she needed to be more direct,

"Spencer, I saw what she was trying to give you," Reid slowed down and came to a halt. He turned to look at his friend,

"There's a reason I didn't want to come here, Emily. That place and that woman are bad memories of a time I try really hard to forget, daily," she was putting all the pieces together,

"Oh my god, Spencer. She was your -" Reid cut her off before she could say it and make it real,

"Yeah." Amber was his drug dealer after Hankel. Emily didn't know what to say, when she goaded the young agent in to going out with the rest of the team she never would have predicted this is how the night would end up. Reid just wanted this conversation to be over with,

"Please Emily, just leave me alone. I'm going home." Emily argued,

"We're like three miles from your place, let me at least give you a ride," Reid quickly dismissed her,

"Believe me, I've made the walk dozens of times - I'll be fine." Emily refused to let him go. She grabbed his shoulder again, this time spinning him to the side, backing him up against the brick wall exterior of a building to face her.

"There is no way I'm letting you leave here by yourself, you need to talk to me." Now Reid was mad,

"There's nothing to discuss. I didn't want to go out tonight, you dragged me here anyway, she saw me, wanted to resume business as usual, I had to leave." Emily insisted,

"Reid, I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't have forced you to go out with us. I thought hanging out would be good for team morale. I should have trusted that you had a good reason for not wanting to come. I know you don't like to talk about this but I'm worried about you - I don't want you to -," Reid cut her off again,

"What? What do you think I'm going to do?" Emily tried to be cautious but there was really no way around it,

"I'm not saying that I don't trust you or that I don't think you're strong, I do - but you're also human, Spencer - and now I'm just worried that running into that woman could have been a trigger and -," Reid kept finishing her thoughts for her,

"You think one little bad memory resurfacing is gonna cause me to relapse? Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence,"

"Reid, that's not what I meant," Emily reasoned. He continued,

"You said you saw what she did; she offered me pills, I turned her down, I left. You don't need to worry. I'm fine. I have no desire to get high, my sobriety is not in any danger. Now please, can I go?" It was odd for Reid to speak so candidly about his past addiction - especially since he was talking to his superior - but he was so desperate to get away from her, he thought the quickest way to do that was to be as open and honest as possible. Emily believed him and she backed up, allowing him to walk past her.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for reading - really appreciate it. Didn't know if I was going to write a second chapter, but it seemed so unresolved to me and I'm a fan of closed endings. I own nothing. Enjoy._

_\- Lina Faro_

* * *

"**Bad Memories" Ch. 02 **

Emily returned to the group back at the Red Room. Garcia and Rossi eagerly awaited what juicy gossip Emily had for them - they were still under the impression this was an old flame Reid had encountered.

"Where'd my handsome junior G-man go?" Garcia asked. Emily didn't want to worry her friends,

"He went home," The seated agents were confused,

"He just left? What do you mean, is he okay?" Emily thought about what to say for a long time. She knew just saying "he's fine" wasn't going to fly. Her best option to satisfy their curiosity and also prevent them from bothering Reid about it and making him uncomfortable was to tell the truth. Emily replied,

"Okay, I'm going to tell you something, but this stays strictly between us - I don't want either of you saying anything about this - not even to the rest of the team," The rest of the team was either up dancing or at the bar. The three agents leaned into each other as Emily recounted what Reid had told her outside. Rossi was taken aback. He hadn't been around after the Hankel case but he had his suspicions just based on how Reid would behave after certain cases and how his medical charts indicated he was to be given NSAID pain killers instead of narcotics in the event he was injured on the job - which he had been often. Garcia was heartbroken. She was overcome with sympathy and compassion for her coworker. She barely remembers that part of Reid's life, it seemed so long ago. Evidently it didn't seem that long ago for Reid. Rossi finally asked, almost with accusation,

"You let him go off on his own after that?" Emily felt guilty - she knew he was in a vulnerable state but per Spencer's request she thought in the moment that letting him go was the best thing to do - now she regretted the decision,

"He practically begged me to let him go home, I just didn't want to antagonize him any further," Emily defended. Garcia was showing a little panic,

"Well someone has to go after him, at least to make sure he got to his apartment okay." Emily volunteered. She felt responsible for the whole situation given she was the reason Reid was even put into this position in the first place.

Meanwhile, Reid had passed his apartment a while back - he kept on walking. He didn't want to go home, despite what he told his boss. He had something else in mind...

"Reid are you there?" Emily knocked on the young agents door but there was no answer. Her worry was beginning to grow. It had been an hour since he stormed out of the bar - he should have made it back to his place by know, that is as long as he didn't decide to make some kind of detour. She pulled out her phone and called Garcia. Her voice rang through,

"Is he there? Is he okay?" the blonde asked.

"If he is, he's not answering the door. Can you ping his cell for me?" Garcia scrambled to get to her computer in her own abode. After some furious typing she replied,

"He's not at his place, it looks like he's at 1251 E. Twelfth street. It's some community center. What's he doing there?" Emily answered,

"I think I have an idea. Thanks Garcia, I'll let you know when I have an update," Garcia didn't want Emily to hang up but the call ended before she could protest.

* * *

Emily sat outside of the community center in her car. An NA meeting was just letting out. She watched as an assortment of troubled people made their way out of the building and into the parking lot. Reid was among one of the last ones to exit. Emily started up her car again, the headlights of which got Spencer's attention. He recognized the car and immediately stopped in his tracks to weigh out his options. He could walk away thus prompting Emily to follow after him or he could try to end the confrontation right here and avoid further pestering for the rest of the evening. He made his way over to her car. Emily opened her door and stood up to face him. Reid was the first to speak,

"How'd you find me?" Emily was embarrassed to answer,

"Well you weren't at you apartment like you said you would be, so I got nervous and had Garcia look up your location," Reid rolled his eyes. He was frustrated with the lack of trust his superior had in him. Emily continued, "I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." There was a pause. Reid didn't want to respond. Emily's phone rang, it was Garcia. She answered,

"Hey Pen,"

"Did you find him?" Reid could hear Garcia's frantic voice from the other end of the call. He started walking away. Emily called after him,

"Spencer, wait! Penelope, I'll call you back," Reid stopped and faced his teammate. His jaw was clenched in anger. He waited for the other agent to speak but she had no words.

"Emily, this is really inappropriate. You had no right to track my phone." He said. Emily agreed, she had overstepped her bounds - but she was also glad she did just for her own peace of mind.

"I know, again, Spencer I'm sorry. I'm glad I found you here, though. I know you said you hadn't been triggered but I just had a feeling that you-" Reid cut her off,

"I wasn't triggered by being there tonight, Emily. I wasn't lying back at the office when I said I already had plans. I was going to go to this meeting before I even ran into… her. I go anytime we're not on a case," Reid said, referring to Amber. Emily was confused. Why? Reid didn't appear embarrassed to discuss this matter - he remained stoic, though he couldn't help his eyes from darting away from hers. Emily's face gave away her confusion and concern. She finally found her words,

"How long have you been doing that?" She wondered if there was a certain stressor that caused him to feel like he needed additional support. He looked off to the side before answering,

"Sporadically over the years, more regularly after particular events. Started back up about eight months ago," Emily thought back to eight months ago, what had happened?

"When you got out of prison," she stated. Reid nodded. It was cold and a strong wind whipped through the parking lot but neither agent seemed to notice. Emily proceeded,

"Reid, have you ever relapsed?" Reid was taken aback by the question, "I'm just talking to you as a friend, not as your boss," Reid laughed and took a step back,

"I'm not - I…" Emily had her answer without him even telling her,

"When?" Reid debated walking away again, but he knew that wouldn't end the conversation,

"I'm not going to answer that," Reid's eyes lost their fury and determination as they were replaced with panic.

"Just give me a time frame. In the last year?" Reid immediately defended,

"What? No! It's been -"

"After Maeve died?" Reid was in shock,

"...stop," he whispered,

"After Gideon died?"

"Stop" he quietly commanded,

"When your mom was having issues?"

"STOP!" He shouted. He was breathing heavily at this point, he looked at her with hurt written all over his face before he finally admitted,

"The last time I did anything was August of 2011. I've been clean for eight years. I go to meetings because I can't talk to anyone on the team about it without risking your jobs, okay? I'm going home, don't follow me," he had his hands raised like Emily had a gun pointed towards him - and her words did feel like bullets ripping through him. Reid backed away and slowly disappeared down the streetlight-lined sidewalk.

Emily was rooted where she stood, unmoving. She can't believe she just attacked Reid like that. She also though about 2011 - what was happening eight years ago? She regained her ability to move her legs and started back to her car which was still running. She recounted in September of 2011 she rejoined the BAU after being in hiding from Ian Doyle. She remembers Reid being uncharacteristically short with the counselman leading the proceedings and with her and JJ after the fact. His behavior was similar to that right after Hankel. The realization hit her at once. Reid didn't take a sabbatical after she "died" just because he was grieving. He was using and needed time away from work to get clean. He was moody and volatile because he was dealing with the tailend of withdrawl symptoms. A single tear slid down her cheek. How could she have been so cruel?


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey y'all, sorry for the delay. Trying to get chapter four out in a timely manner - but you know how these things go. Thanks for reading, favoriting, and reviewing. Means the world to me._

**Bad Memories Ch. 03**

Once Emily came out of her paralyzed state, she maneuvered herself back to her car. Reid had long since ventured out of sight. She drove to a familiar townhouse and knocked at the door.

JJ answered,

"Emily? We were all wondering where you went after Anderson's party. Is everything okay?" Emily replied,

"No, can we go inside?"

"Uh, sure yeah, come on in," JJ said as she moved aside for her unit chief to pass over the threshold. They went to the kitchen and JJ started making tea for the both of them, "So what's up - I know Spence left kind of abruptly, is that what this is about?" Emily nodded,

"This is completely off the record - we never had this conversation…" JJ leaned forward, her attention solely on the woman across from her, "Remember that woman talking to Reid at the bar?" JJ nodded that she did, "that was not an ex-girlfriend, that was Reid's former drug dealer". JJ nearly choked and spat out her tea. After regaining her composure she simply asked, "what?" Emily continued,

"I feel terrible because I twisted his arm into coming with us to the party, he didn't want to go and I just thought he was being reclusive, but I dragged him there and she tried giving him pills and that's when he stormed out." JJ's eyes were wide with disbelief, she said,

"Well that's _good_ I guess? What happened when you ran after him?" Emily sighed,

"I confronted him about the woman, he was upset that I put him in that position in the first place - I don't know why I did that, I shouldn't have forced him to go," JJ reassured her,

"Emily, there is no way you could have known that would happen. I would've thought he was just being a recluse, too". Emily smiled at the blonde and keep recounting the evening's events,

"Well nevertheless, he said he was going home so I went back to the bar and told Garcia and Dave about this and then I realized I shouldn't have let Reid leave on his own so I went to his place, he wasn't there, I had Garcia track his phone, I know -" She cut JJ off before she could even interject, "not cool, but I was worried about him and so Garcia found him at a support group and so I went to talk to him and then…" She trialed off, most embarrassed to confess what occurred next. JJ tried to keep the conversation going,

"Okay, so he went to a meeting, that's good. Man, after 13 years I wouldn't think he was still tempted like that but I guess you can never predict addiction." Emily looked down and continued,

"JJ, it hasn't been 13 years." The blonde was confused,

"What do you mean? The Hankel case was in 2006 and Spence was back to normal after like 4 months or so, so…" she paused, "you don't mean he's relapsed, do you?" Emily nodded.

"He said it was a while ago but I just… " She couldn't continue. She knew what she was about to tell JJ would break her heart just as much as it did her's. JJ pried,

"When are we talking about here? After Maeve was killed? You know when he was hulled up in his apartment for two weeks Garcia and I just asked him to knocked on his wall to see if he was conscious. I was so afraid he was passed out in there, I had half a mind to kick in the door mysel-" Emily interrupted,

"No, that's what I thought, too. JJ… he said that last time he used was in August of 2011." JJ wracked her brain to think that far back. She thought out loud,

"I was working at the Pentagon during that time, and only came back after you-" it was JJ's turn to trail off, the realization muted her,

"He was taking a sabbatical. He was coming over here weekly to talk about you. During that case in Oklahoma he said he'd thought about using but implied he never actually did," JJ was feeling a mixture of sadness and anger. She was sad that she had been a part of causing such utter dispair for their youngest colleague that he would feel his only possible escape was self-medicating - but she was also angry that he didn't ask for her help. Maybe the weekly sob sessions were a cry for help and maybe she missed something he said or hinted at. Then she was angry with herself for not knowing that falling off the wagon was a possibility. She remembers that day in the Durant, Oklahoma police station when she felt her heart drop into her stomach at his uncensored confession, but everything seemed so normal at Rossi's the next day that she dismissed the whole thing and went right back to acting like brother and sister. Emily handed JJ a napkin and it was only then she realized she had tears in her eyes, JJ whispered,

"What did we do?"


	4. Chapter 4

_Told ya I'd get chapter four up fast - how dare you doubt me (if you did, I totally get it, historically I've been a once-a-year update kind of gal). Anyway, thank you for your continued support!_

**Bad Memories Ch. 04**

Reid was back in his apartment. He paced as he thought about how much he'd revealed to his boss. He had shed his coat and tie but he still felt like he was overheating. He'd been attending NA meetings ever since he was release from prison. His three month stint behind bars might have been a blessing after being drugged by Lindsey in Mexico. Although the circumstances made it difficult to enjoy the high forced upon him, it did bring back old tremors and urges he thought he'd gotten over years before.

He didn't want to reveal that he had actually relapsed after Emily had supposedly died, but during their confrontation he felt trapped. He regretted it now and wished he had bit his tongue and just let her verbal assault continue. His mind went back to June of 2011 when he would go over to JJ's house and just let it all out with his head in his hands and JJ's comforting presence beside him on her living room sofa.

_***flashback***_

_Spencer left JJ's house, feeling completely empty after releasing more tears he'd ever thought anyone was capable of producing. JJ had offered to drive him home but he declined - telling her the short walk in the warm, breezy June weather would help clear his head. It was late and his mind did not clear. He passed his apartment and found himself in a familiar bar just outside the downtown area. He wandered up to the bar and ordered a drink. That's when he heard her heavenly purr,_

"_Spencer? Long time no see. Almost didn't recognize you with short hair," he looked to his left and saw Amber. He wasn't sure she would still be here after all this time but he was glad she was. Amber took in Spencer's red-rimmed eye and messy hair and pouted, "what's wrong? Did a girl break your heart?" Reid rubbed a hand over his face and retorted,_

"_Something like that." his tone was devoid of emotion. Amber offered, taking advantage of the agent in his vulnerable state, _

"_You know, I could help give you a little escape from whatever's got you down," Reid was silent, weighing out his options. He was desperate to feel good again, he hadn't felt anything but grief since Emily had died a month ago. He hadn't been sleeping, hadn't been eating properly, he couldn't even focus on work or reading. He needed this. Amber held out a hand and he took it as she led him to the back of the bar to finalize the transaction. _

_Back at his apartment, it was now about 2:00am. He stood facing the bathroom mirror, his left shirt sleeve rolled up above the elbow. Although he had made it as far as to tie off his arm and fill the syringe, hadn't fully decided what he was going to do. All he could do was think about his team which led to thoughts of Emily and that led to feelings of complete and utter agony. He took the syringe in hand and with practiced precision, aligned it with a prominent vein and succumbed to bliss he had been missing in the five years he'd been sober. _

_When he awoke it was Saturday, he had the day off. It took him a few minutes to realize what he'd done the night before. He thought he should feel shame or as if he had failed, but all he could feel was relief. Maintaining sobriety proved only to cause anxiety - the constant fear of "will I be able to keep this up?" or "when will I crash and burn", but now that he had no facade to uphold, he felt free. _

_A few weeks went by and he'd stopped going to JJ's house. In the evenings when the depression hit the most he's stay home and self-medicate. This became increasingly difficult to hide from his teammates given he'd often come in to work late and disappear during cases. It was Hotch who had noticed Spencer's behavior went beyond lasting grief and resembled a behavior he'd seen before in the young doctor after a certain case in Georgia. After they'd returned home from a case - of which Reid had been both mentally and, at times, physically absent from - the unit chief asked his youngest agent to meet him in his office before heading home._

"_Reid, you've been increasingly distant and it's beginning to show in your work. Do you want to tell me what's going on?" Hotch asked, knowing he wasn't going to get a direct answer at first. Reid knew his drug use was affecting his job performance and he worried it would come to this. He had tried to wane himself off but he was well in the throes of his addiction now and there seemed to be no end in sight. Reid responded,_

"_I've just been a little sick lately, I might need to take some time off to -" Hotch was watching the young man's shaking hands and bouncing knee. Reid noticed as he completed his thought, "- get better". Hotch was wise to what he meant. Reid needed to go away for as long as he needed in order to get back to normal. Hotch agreed,_

"_I think that's a really good idea. I'll submit the paperwork - I want you take whatever time you need and come back to us ready to work at full capacity. We need you on this team." Reid looked up at his boss and saw the sincerity in his normally stoic features. Hotch thought to himself, "man this is bad". Not just because one of his teammate was depressed and using drugs, but because the reason for his depression was a fabricated lie. Emily was alive and Aaron knew he couldn't tell Reid without jeopardizing her safety. He would just have to deal with each issue one at a time._

_Reid went home and tried to distract himself from the ever-present longing to dull his senses. He tried all the things he used to find so much joy in; reading, watching foreign films, playing chess, writing to his mom - nothing quelled the insatiable need growing inside him. After only making it a few hours, he broke down and gave in to his temptations and revisited Amber. With no work to worry about, he abused the time given to him to get clean and instead went on a complete bender. _

_Three days later no one had heard from him. Hotch told his team Reid was taking a sabbatical to work on a scholarly essay he was submitting to a scientific journal and to reset after all the team had been through. That last detail made it a little more believable to the team. They, too, had noticed a change in their typically talkative doctor. Hotch called Reid's cell everyday and at first he just thought he might need space while he's getting himself right, but after three days he needed to go check on his agent to make sure all was well. Hotch knocked on Reid's door but got no answer,_

"_Reid, it's Hotch. I need you to open the door," still no answer. In case of emergency, Reid had given Hotch a spare key to his apartment. Hotch didn't like the idea of invading Spencer's privacy, but he didn't like the idea of Spencer being in trouble more. Hotch entered the apartment and observed its disorderly state. Books were scattered on the floor and coffee mugs were left unattended on various surfaces. The door to what Hotch assumed was Reid's bedroom was ajar._

"_Reid?" Hotch carefully approached. He pushed to door open to see his agent lying haphazardly on the bed, sheets strewn about, used needles and empty vials of dilaudid sat on the bedside table. Hotch went over to the young man, cursing at himself for leaving him alone in this state. He checked for a pulse and found one - it was faint, but it was there. He inspected Reid's arm and had to look away from the unsightly array of track marks, old and new. It nearly brought the unit chief to tears. _

_About an hour and a half later, Hotch had cleaned up the place while Spencer slept. He'd washed the dishes, tidied the living room, and thoroughly disposed of any drug paraphernalia he could find hidden in the apartment. He went to check on Reid and the sound of the door opening made the younger man stir,_

"_Reid? Are you up?" Hotch asked gently. Reid was groggy but still startled by the other man being in his room. He squinted to make out the figure,_

"_Hotch? What are you doing here? How'd you get in here?" He questioned. Hotch didn't answer, instead challenging,_

"_Do you know what day it is?" Reid looked at the window and saw that the sun was out, he stood up as he guessed,_

"_Tuesday?" Hotch sighed,_

"_It's Thursday. I've been trying to get ahold of you for three days. You're telling me you're missing two days?" Reid was getting annoyed, partly because he didn't like this inquisition and partly because he was feeling withdrawl symptoms creep up on him. He brushed Hotch off as he walked past him to moved towards the kitchen,_

"_Would you please just leave me alone? I didn't ask you to come here. I didn't let you in. Get out," Hotch stopped him and took his arm to show Reid his own arm,_

"_Is this what you call getting better? This time off is for you to get help, not go on some binge," Reid had pulled his arm back and was searching the room, undoubtedly to find something that would take the edge off, "you're not going to find anything, I combed through the place and got rid of everything," Reid looked up at his boss with fire in his eyes,_

"_Are you serious?" He exited the bedroom and began riffling through his belongings for any last remnant. Hotch could only look on a try to hide his sadness. SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, the genius with three PhDs, was ransacking his own apartment for drugs he wouldn't find._

"_It's really hard to see you like this," Hotch admitted. Reid argued,_

"_I'm trying!" He knew there was no point in upholding any false notion. The gravity of his situation was obvious, "You think I want to be like this? That I want to lose my job and the only people who have ever really cared about me? I don't! But I don't want to keep feeling so empty all the time either," Hotch replied,_

"_Tell me that you don't feel empty right now. You can't because that's all these drugs are. They're an empty, temporary fix to a deep-seated problem that you need to face head-on." Reid was fuming, _

"_It's too hard and I can't do it," suddenly Reid emotion bubbled to the top and released in the form of tears, "I can't stop, I can't-" he left off with that, sinking to the ground against a bookshelf. Hotch knelt down beside him and Reid allowed him to lay a consoling hand on his back as he trembled. _

_***flashforward***_

That was the last time Reid had used. Hotch helped him get through the withdrawl process and kept everything off the books. He owed him his life and it was a favor he never thought he'd be able to repay. Now, eight years later, Reid stands in that same apartment, facing that same bookshelf. He had gotten better, he had become stronger, he'd been able to resist temptations after Maeve and Gideon's death, and Hotch had always been there for silent support.

The silence broke as Reid heard a knock at his door. It was late so he was cautious, though he had a good idea of who it probably was. He opened the door to reveal Emily and JJ standing on the other side.


	5. Chapter 5

**Bad Memories Ch. 05**

"Spence, please just let us in. We need to apologize to you," JJ started. Reid rolled his eyes in annoyance - of course Emily told JJ everything. Reid kept his voice low, not wanting to wake his neighbors,

"No you don't, we have nothing to talk about. Can we please just drop it?" Emily and JJ wouldn't allow that to happen. They felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and ignorance. Emily countered,

"We are not leaving here until we talk about this." Reid conceded and allowed the two women into his apartment. They didn't sit, instead opting to stand with some distance between them. Reid had his arms crossed in front of his chest, feeling on edge and defensive. Emily began again, "Spencer, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for dragging you out tonight. I had no idea I'd be putting you in that position and it was wrong of me to abuse Garcia's talents to track you down after the fact. Believe me when I say it came from a place of love. We care about you and I just needed to make sure you were okay." Reid didn't respond right away. His face was neutral as he contemplated her words. After what felt like an eternity for his colleagues, he spoke,

"I understand. I'm not upset with you. I probably would've done the same had the roles been reversed. I am okay," he was calm, oddly so, but the girls could tell there was a storm raging behind his eyes. He'd hoped that by coming off not so deflective and more understanding would get them to go away. JJ and Emily exchanged a quick glance. JJ needed to get some closure, not so much for Spencer's sake, but rather to quell her own guilt gnawing at her,

"I know you don't think we need to apologize but…" She paused, saddened by the sight of Reid with his head looking towards the ground, arms crossed tightly, clearly very uncomfortable. Maybe talking it out isn't actually the best route, "it's our fault that you did what you did back then and -" Reid's head snapped up and he cut her off,

"No it wasn't. It wasn't your fault. I have no one to blame but myself and I have to live with that. I had options and I chose the worst possible one. Please, I don't want either of you to carry the weight of that decision. I should be the one apologizing to you for acting the way I did when you came back to the team," he said looking at Emily. "You understand now what I was dealing with at the time but that's not an excuse. I shouldn't have acted the way I did or said the things I said and I'm sorry," he said this time looking at JJ. The blonde's voice came out as a squeak,

"You certainly don't need to apologize to us, Spence. We kind of deserved it." A quietness hung in the air between the three agents. Reid finally broke the silence,

"If it's okay with you guys, I'd prefer if this conversation ended here. The whole thing is pretty embarrassing and if we could just keep it between us I'd really appreciate it." Emily and JJ were quick to respond a low "yes, of course" before making their way towards the front door.

The two women ushered themselves out with a somber "see you on Monday". It was late and it should have been easy to fall asleep; they could not. Unfortunately for Spencer, he found himself unable to stop the memories best forgotten play on repeat in his head. The damage had been done and he laid awake in a cold sweat just praying to whatever deity would make them go away. They were fuzzy and he couldn't remember all the details very clearly - which was odd but relieving. He'd always been able to recount anything with perfect accuracy, and the fact that this was hazy - though the reasons made him cringe - made him grateful, as well.

Emily tried to exhaust herself with mind-numbing television, hoping the drone of whatever the E! Network could offer would render her unconscious. It did not. She couldn't help but think about while she was going about her new day-to-day in Paris for seven months, her friend had been going through a deep depressive episode resulting in what she could only assume was a violent relapse. It made her sick to her stomach to even imagine it.

JJ sat in her kitchen, wanting to be alone instead of being with her husband. She, too, couldn't help but think back to those seven months. _I just thought he was grieving, and I thought he had gotten better. _Once he had stopped coming by the house so much, she had figured he'd been feeling better and needed less consolation. It pained her to know she couldn't have been more wrong. She thought again of the case in Oklahoma - specifically their conversation in the police station,

"_What if I had started taking dilaudid again, would you have let me?" Reid spat out angrily,_

"_You didn't," she said, more as a reassurance than a retort,_

"_Yeah, but I thought about it." _She remembered it like it was yesterday. It was their first and only fight. It was the first time he had ever called her "Jennifer". She now remembers the subtleties of his behavior that she mistook for feeling betrayed. She remembered how he twitched and bobbed his knee up and down while waiting to testify before the council. She remembered how he'd leave work early and decline invitations to going out after cases. She remembered how he was crossing his arms more than usual - with a firm grip on the inside bend of his elbow. He wouldn't wear sleeves that exposed his arms above the elbow, despite traveling to warm climates. All the puzzle pieces were there and she had the audacity to be annoyed that he was acting out after Emily had returned from the dead. She felt stupid now, knowing what he was really dealing with.


End file.
